Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
