I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
