Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
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