mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
