I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
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