she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
