I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
