I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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