She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
