We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
