so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
