I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
