Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
