I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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