I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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