Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
