So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
