My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
