I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
