How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
