My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
