For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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