I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
