saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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