Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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