i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
