I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
