good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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