foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
