My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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