Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
