fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
