did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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