New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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