If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
