i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I am midnight drunk by noon
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's official drugs can't kill me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
