Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
