Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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