Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
