I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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