Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I can't turn off my feet"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
