my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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