In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
