listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
