Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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