Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
