You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
