I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
