Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
