The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
