sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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