I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
